Welcome to the 11th edition of He Said, She Said, a column in which Holy Candy’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

I have been divorced from my ex-husband for YEARS, but the tabloids won’t stop talking about the animosity between me, the cheating bastard and his home-wrecking, child-addicted baby mama.

How can I show them I’ve clearly moved on?

J-Aniston@yahoo.com

TO J-ANISTON:

DIDDY:  Sounds like you could use some Diddy love.  Baby-makin’ is my specialty.  Diddy’ll knock you up real fast!  And leave you even faster.

PARIS:  Your ex-husband sounds hot.  Can you give him my number?

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DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

I’m trying to launch a career comeback after years out of the limelight and a messy divorce, but I’m not sure how to make a big splash.  Any advice?

ShaniaFeelsLikeaWoman@aol.com

TO SHANIAFEELSLIKEAWOMAN:

DIDDY:  Hard to say, cuz I’m more of a subtle man myself.  I’d probably just start by renaming Times Square “Diddy Square” and declaring Christmas to be “Diddy Day” — and build to something more splashy.

PARIS:  Trust me, a reality show is the way to go.  What about something like, “Looking for a BFF Who Can Fart Really Loud”?  Too classy?

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DEAR DIDDY AND PARIS:

After being named People’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” women won’t leave me alone!  They follow me into restrooms.  Grab my ass when I walk by.  They even send me naked pictures of themselves!  How can I stop this before my wife gets angry with me?

How can I show them I’ve clearly moved on?

Hugh_Jackman@au.yahoo.com

TO HUGH_JACKMAN:

DIDDY:  That ain’t your problem.  Being married is your problem.

PARIS:  I thought you would LIKE that picture I sent.  I look totally hot.

Obama met with Seacrest late Monday afternoon, a day after conferring one-on-one with Sen. Chuck Hagel for the same job, according to several Democratic officials who spoke on condition of anonymity to discuss the secret meeting.

The meeting with Seacrest excited a burst of speculation that Obama would make good on his oft-repeated promise of “change,” and finally fill the White House with the toe-tappin’ Top 40 music it has been so tragically lacking the past 200 years.

It’s far from clear how interested Seacrest would be in the Homeland Security job, but several insiders say he has indicated he would be able to fit it in between his morning radio show on Los Angeles’ 102.7 KIIS-FM and “E! News Daily” hosting gig.

“Ryan’s mantra is the busier he is, the less he has to deal with the dating scene.  Any excuse not to commit to a relationship, he’s all over it — even if it means taking some lame government job,” revealed one source close to Seacrest whose name rhymes with “Rimon Powell.”

The choice of the “American Idol” host and former Teri Hatcher flame would go a long way in improving the United States’ security issues, given his ample experience keeping the “Idol” stage and his VIP booths in Hollywood nighclubs safe from the most aggresive terrorists of all:  screaming 20-year-old female fans using push-up bras and mini-skirts as their weapons.

Which “golden” actress’ pervy behavior has gotten out of hand?  On an upcoming episode of her soon-to-be-canceled drama series, she has a kissing scene with a male co-star, who claims she took him by surprise with some serious tongue action, and demanded off-screen rehearsals and multiple takes.  The show’s scribes have since been instructed to cut her relationship with the lead short, but not before the horny old devil also insisted on making the scene “real” with an impromptu crotch grab.

I blame this on the State of Dr. Mark Sloan’s Sex Life.

After all, how can viewers trust a medium in which a man as hot as I am is portrayed as a loser rebuffed by the likes of Dr. Cristina Yang — and whom Dr. Callie Torres only screws in times of desperation?

We are all thinking the same thing:  They cannot.

Seriously, have you seen me?  Smokin’, right?  Yet, Shonda Rhimes is so lost in Patrick Dempsey’s “dreamy” hair, that she hasn’t so much as glanced at my washboard abs or sexy smirk.  I worked for HOURS perfecting just the right upturn of that damn smirk in the mirror!  (Determined to be a 30-degree angle, by the way.)  However, because the “Grey’s Anatomy” writers continue to overlook my dedication to my craft and sculpted guns, the pure animal magnetism surrounding Dr. Mark Sloan has been diminished — and, as a result, so has television viewership.

I am sure I speak for all disheartened viewers when I implore the “Grey’s Anatomy” writers to recognize what a fine specimen I am, and write storylines for Dr. Sloan involving hot, sweaty jungle sex with the busty blonde who thinks she’s too good for the show — what’s the character’s name, Irene?  Ivy? — or with a dying patient who also happens to be a Victoria’s Secret model, and her last wish is to screw a hot doctor’s brains out before she passes on to the Great Runway in the sky.

THIS is what the people demand.  THIS is truth in television.

And I’m not just opining this from the perspective of a married man who is dying for the chance to roll around with an attractive, half-naked co-star on the set as part of “work.” (Although that IS supposed to be one of the perks of being an actor.)  Rather, I am opining this in an effort to win back viewers’ trust and save television from an untimely demise — by finally giving Dr. Sloan some equitable shagging partners.

As they always say, sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.  Or… unless a character is not getting the hot tail he deserves.

Up this week: Thelma & Louise

INT. CAR - DAY

They are still looking at each other really hard.

LOUISE
Are you sure?

Thelma nods.

THELMA
Hit it.

Louise puts the car in gear and FLOORS it.

CUT TO:

EXT. DESERT - DAY

The cops all lower their weapons as looks of shock and
disbelief cover their faces.

INT. CAR - DAY

THELMA
Wait!

Louise quickly hits the brakes, screeching to a halt before they reach the edge of the cliff.

LOUISE
What is it?!

THELMA
I forgot to tell you some good news.

Louise looks at her expectantly, then over her shoulder at the police cars closing in on them.

LOUISE
Well?!

THELMA
I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance
by switching to GEICO!

LOUISE
Oh, Jesus Chri –

Now entirely surrounded by police cars, Thelma and Louise have nowhere to go — except a lifetime of bologna sandwiches in prison.

THELMA
Oops.

FADE OUT

THE END